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Open the shutters, there is no light... | dontudareresuscitate's Blog


Last time this year, I was in Pittsburgh, taking a vacation from my fucked up personal life. Thinking, yeah a break away from here and all the emotional shit that I just couldn't see my through. Uninterrupted fun with Fluffy, she never gives me the chance to slip into my moods. Thinking that I would have something to come back to. This year, I'm here in Colorado, alone. I begged Linda not to come visit and told her I wasn't going there. She is doing much better at just listening to me. So I will be alone for the holidays. I will be alone pretty much for all the holidays until I croak. I will be alone and I will be alright with that. I have to be. This is my life. 

When I was a kid, for a long time after I was attacked, I would disappear in my head. I could just drift off. I didn't daydream or anything like that. It was just being not there. I noticed I can do that again now. I just drift away when I can't deal with things. In my mind its quiet and not so stressful. Out here, well its like being kicked in the face. I've made some friends, but I don't let them get too close. I keep my routine and just pretend that I'm ok. Eventually I'll start believing I'm ok. 

I've been in love two times, the first time I didn't understand why she left. I did everything that I could make her happy, the second time I was in love and maybe he loved me but just not enough. The end result is that I always end up alone. I mean they have moved on with their lives, I've moved on with mine. I just can't get used to the fact that my moving on doesn't involve sharing my life with someone.

I'm not stupid and I know the odds of me having a normal life are pretty slim, I've always known that. Day one of therapy I was told that I had to be realistic with setting goals. Yeah therapy doesn't make you better, it just makes you have better days. I try to have better days. 

There isn't any way around it. I'm not depressed about the holiday, or any of it. I just hate thinking about it. I don't have it too bad, my family well at least Linda love me and I couldn't ask for a better best friend even if she sometimes is a flake. I just wish I had the whole thing. 

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Previous Posts
Home Sweet Home.., posted December 4th, 2013
Enjoy The Silence, posted November 29th, 2013
Bad decisions continue, posted October 31st, 2013
The Moment I Opened My Mouth...., posted October 30th, 2013
Not tonight my love..., posted September 8th, 2013
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Erase Me, posted September 1st, 2013
Bare Walls, posted May 27th, 2013
They Lied, posted March 11th, 2013
Miserable Lie, posted January 25th, 2013
Open the shutters, there is no light..., posted December 24th, 2012
There is no if.., posted November 9th, 2012
Yes It Is All Hearts and Flowers Now..., posted October 23rd, 2012
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Silence, posted August 31st, 2012
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Kill Me, posted August 19th, 2012
Mixing it up, posted August 18th, 2012
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