Open the shutters, there is no light... | dontudareresuscitate's Blog

Last time this year, I was in Pittsburgh, taking a vacation from my fucked up personal life. Thinking, yeah a break away from here and all the emotional shit that I just couldn't see my through. Uninterrupted fun with Fluffy, she never gives me the chance to slip into my moods. Thinking that I would have something to come back to. This year, I'm here in Colorado, alone. I begged Linda not to come visit and told her I wasn't going there. She is doing much better at just listening to me. So I will be alone for the holidays. I will be alone pretty much for all the holidays until I croak. I will be alone and I will be alright with that. I have to be. This is my life. 

When I was a kid, for a long time after I was attacked, I would disappear in my head. I could just drift off. I didn't daydream or anything like that. It was just being not there. I noticed I can do that again now. I just drift away when I can't deal with things. In my mind its quiet and not so stressful. Out here, well its like being kicked in the face. I've made some friends, but I don't let them get too close. I keep my routine and just pretend that I'm ok. Eventually I'll start believing I'm ok. 

I've been in love two times, the first time I didn't understand why she left. I did everything that I could make her happy, the second time I was in love and maybe he loved me but just not enough. The end result is that I always end up alone. I mean they have moved on with their lives, I've moved on with mine. I just can't get used to the fact that my moving on doesn't involve sharing my life with someone.

I'm not stupid and I know the odds of me having a normal life are pretty slim, I've always known that. Day one of therapy I was told that I had to be realistic with setting goals. Yeah therapy doesn't make you better, it just makes you have better days. I try to have better days. 

There isn't any way around it. I'm not depressed about the holiday, or any of it. I just hate thinking about it. I don't have it too bad, my family well at least Linda love me and I couldn't ask for a better best friend even if she sometimes is a flake. I just wish I had the whole thing.