dontudareresuscitate's Blog

Time does not heal everything. I'm still feeling like shit. Fluffy is I think not confronting her issues and just trying to go forward with out cleaning up the past. She was I think in the end somewhat looking forward to "baby" I noticed her voice wasn't so shaky when she would mention it when we would speak about it towards the end. Now she is just running on this non-stop leaving Pittsburgh. 
No, I get that, running away is always a good answer to any problem I left Seattle in less than a month of planning and it was going to solve everything. (Ha!) 
I'm back to thinking of getting a cat. I hate coming home to this empty place. I want something that is mine. Schnapps was mine. I knew she would be there waiting for me, we'd have dinner and well yeah she wasn't happily ever after but she was my version of it. 
Linda and Jeff have officially moved in together. It took them since 1973 to do it but they have finally done it. Phil is seeing some girl named Amanda, she hasn't met Sydney yet, but they have been a steady Thursday thing for the last 2 months. We've talked a couple of times since Fluffy is hell bent on moving and Seattle seems to be a good option for her. Why he told me I don't know. I don't tell him anything about me. I'm not thinking about it. It will be a year soon, since it all fell to pieces. 

Last time this year, I was in Pittsburgh, taking a vacation from my fucked up personal life. Thinking, yeah a break away from here and all the emotional shit that I just couldn't see my through. Uninterrupted fun with Fluffy, she never gives me the chance to slip into my moods. Thinking that I would have something to come back to. This year, I'm here in Colorado, alone. I begged Linda not to come visit and told her I wasn't going there. She is doing much better at just listening to me. So I will be alone for the holidays. I will be alone pretty much for all the holidays until I croak. I will be alone and I will be alright with that. I have to be. This is my life. 

When I was a kid, for a long time after I was attacked, I would disappear in my head. I could just drift off. I didn't daydream or anything like that. It was just being not there. I noticed I can do that again now. I just drift away when I can't deal with things. In my mind its quiet and not so stressful. Out here, well its like being kicked in the face. I've made some friends, but I don't let them get too close. I keep my routine and just pretend that I'm ok. Eventually I'll start believing I'm ok. 

I've been in love two times, the first time I didn't understand why she left. I did everything that I could make her happy, the second time I was in love and maybe he loved me but just not enough. The end result is that I always end up alone. I mean they have moved on with their lives, I've moved on with mine. I just can't get used to the fact that my moving on doesn't involve sharing my life with someone.

I'm not stupid and I know the odds of me having a normal life are pretty slim, I've always known that. Day one of therapy I was told that I had to be realistic with setting goals. Yeah therapy doesn't make you better, it just makes you have better days. I try to have better days. 

There isn't any way around it. I'm not depressed about the holiday, or any of it. I just hate thinking about it. I don't have it too bad, my family well at least Linda love me and I couldn't ask for a better best friend even if she sometimes is a flake. I just wish I had the whole thing. 

I'm back to making lists again. I find it easier to get through the day having a list of things to do and when I am doing them. My shrink says its compulsive, I think its keeping me organized and making it so I don't fall apart.  At the end of the day when I check the last thing off my list. I feel good. I know I'm o.k. if I can finish every thing on my list. I know it is grasping but it works. My shrink is still on me about going to this support group she runs, but I can't. I don't want to. The whole thought of that is too much. I'm o.k. with this, I just need to get into a routine that fits and I'll be fine.