Post

dontudareresuscitate's Blog


Home Sweet Home..

This blog has been marked as containing adult content. Your current adult settings prevent you from seeing it. Please go to your account settings page and change your settings to allow adult content to view this blog

Enjoy The Silence

This blog has been marked as containing adult content. Your current adult settings prevent you from seeing it. Please go to your account settings page and change your settings to allow adult content to view this blog

Bad decisions continue

This blog has been marked as containing adult content. Your current adult settings prevent you from seeing it. Please go to your account settings page and change your settings to allow adult content to view this blog

The Moment I Opened My Mouth....

This blog has been marked as containing adult content. Your current adult settings prevent you from seeing it. Please go to your account settings page and change your settings to allow adult content to view this blog

Not tonight my love...

Went out for a little bit with the "coffee shop gang" Somehow it has worked itself out that I'm the only one without a "plus one" to most of our hangout sessions. It's not that I'm surprised at this since I didn't and don't plan on dating anyone in the near or even distant future, it is just that all these random hook ups from spring are still around and making plans and I didn't expect that. I figured most of these would fizzle by August. Other than the one set of "marrieds" in the group I figured fall would find everyone scrambling to find the person that will broken in enough to not awkwardly spend the holidays with. 
So, I did well with it. We met up at one of usual Pub hangouts and I sat down and for about two seconds I had that feeling like there was a ton of bricks on my chest, then I was ok. It what it is, I choose not to date anyone, to not be involved so I can't get bent out of shape at being the only one without a date. After my little internal pep talk I kept up appearances for about 2 hours and then drove home. I really wished I wouldn't have drove because I could've used more than the one beer I let myself have when I drive and I was kind of in breakdown mode. 
I made it home and took my shot and ate then tried to go to sleep. The operative word here is tried. The quiet was driving me nuts so I turned on the noise machine, the ocean sounds normally soothing to an extent did nothing but make me have to piss every twenty minutes, then I tried going in the livingroom and watching television. Nothing exciting, I put on CNN because the news is droning and I figured it would just lull me to sleep. When that didn't work I ran a hot bath and grabbed some research from work (you can not find more boring reading material than that) but somehow I got caught up in the research and ideas were coming to me left and right. Yes it wasn't lingering thoughts of "inner turmoil" but it wasn't getting me to sleep either. Then the whole "ton of bricks on my chest " feeling came back and I double dosed myself on my sleeping and anxiety medication which only made my body extremely tired but did nothing to my mind. So now I'm miserable and groggy and angry because when I did finally fall asleep it was balled up on the sofa in a position no one, especially some one with R.A. should sleep in for any period of time. I slept through my morning shot time and now everything is just fucked as far as my schedule, my legs are swollen, I'm out of orange juice and I really need to shower. 
I at some point dug out my "happy box" which I hadn't looked at or cleaned out since I left Seattle and I went through pictures and stupid notes Phil would leave me and just other stuff I thought was sentimental .. I admit today is going to be a giant waste of a day. Nothing constructive is getting done. I am probably going to spend it crying and hiding in bed with curtains drawn shut. I feel like I'm 15 again, all I need to do is crawl into the closet and scarf a box of Oreos. At my age this is...well just ridiculous but I can't seem to make myself do anything else. This entry really is just to prove to myself that I did one thing today. 

Not tonight my love...

Went out for a little bit with the "coffee shop gang" Somehow it has worked itself out that I'm the only one without a "plus one" to most of our hangout sessions. It's not that I'm surprised at this since I didn't and don't plan on dating anyone in the near or even distant future, it is just that all these random hook ups from spring are still around and making plans and I didn't expect that. I figured most of these would fizzle by August. Other than the one set of "marrieds" in the group I figured fall would find everyone scrambling to find the person that will broken in enough to not awkwardly spend the holidays with. 
So, I did well with it. We met up at one of usual Pub hangouts and I sat down and for about two seconds I had that feeling like there was a ton of bricks on my chest, then I was ok. It what it is, I choose not to date anyone, to not be involved so I can't get bent out of shape at being the only one without a date. After my little internal pep talk I kept up appearances for about 2 hours and then drove home. I really wished I wouldn't have drove because I could've used more than the one beer I let myself have when I drive and I was kind of in breakdown mode. 
I made it home and took my shot and ate then tried to go to sleep. The operative word here is tried. The quiet was driving me nuts so I turned on the noise machine, the ocean sounds normally soothing to an extent did nothing but make me have to piss every twenty minutes, then I tried going in the livingroom and watching television. Nothing exciting, I put on CNN because the news is droning and I figured it would just lull me to sleep. When that didn't work I ran a hot bath and grabbed some research from work (you can not find more boring reading material than that) but somehow I got caught up in the research and ideas were coming to me left and right. Yes it wasn't lingering thoughts of "inner turmoil" but it wasn't getting me to sleep either. Then the whole "ton of bricks on my chest " feeling came back and I double dosed myself on my sleeping and anxiety medication which only made my body extremely tired but did nothing to my mind. So now I'm miserable and groggy and angry because when I did finally fall asleep it was balled up on the sofa in a position no one, especially some one with R.A. should sleep in for any period of time. I slept through my morning shot time and now everything is just fucked as far as my schedule, my legs are swollen, I'm out of orange juice and I really need to shower. 
I at some point dug out my "happy box" which I hadn't looked at or cleaned out since I left Seattle and I went through pictures and stupid notes Phil would leave me and just other stuff I thought was sentimental .. I admit today is going to be a giant waste of a day. Nothing constructive is getting done. I am probably going to spend it crying and hiding in bed with curtains drawn shut. I feel like I'm 15 again, all I need to do is crawl into the closet and scarf a box of Oreos. At my age this is...well just ridiculous but I can't seem to make myself do anything else. This entry really is just to prove to myself that I did one thing today. 

Erase Me

Having friends is overrated. It is nothing they do in a malicious way that makes me state this, just that it is so hard to come up with excuses to not be around them. The coffee shop gang has dragged me out about twice a week for the last several months. I witnessed about four break ups, 2 promotions, 1 proposal  and 1 awkward attempt at kissing one of the girls. 
To elaborate on that, this is basically what happened. We all went to  Jade and Allen's engagement party together and Jenna and I were drinking and hiding in a corner when she just leaned over and kissed me. I was startled so my first reaction was flinching and pulling away like she was poison. I then had to back track to try to explain to her that it wasn't her that caused the reaction but I didn't really want to go into anything with her. So we kissed again and even though it was awkward it felt nice to feel that kind of contact again. Then it was just over. The next couple of days we danced around the issue. Then we finally discussed it. I told her that  I think she is pretty, but being in a relationship or dating has just never gone well for me and that I've got a lot "history" I'm not ready to confront or deal with. She basically said (why does this happen to me?) that she felt odd being attracted to me because in most cases she pretty much likes girls only, and that she understands the whole "history" thing and we should just chalk it up to the booze. That was fine by me. 
One I've already dated a lesbian and it was that really messed up relationship that led me to sleeping with Phil, 
Two Even though it has been over a year since the demise of "Robin and Phil" I'm still not ready to deal with trying to trust someone yet.
Three I'm pretty sure that my insecurities just make it impossible for me to even have a relationship.
My therapist thinks this is me "isolating" and "avoiding" the issues. I think of it as being cautious. Either way Jenna is seeing this girl Anne and she is taking her to Roger's cook out tomorrow. I'm bringing a cake, since I couldn't get out of going. I really just wanted to spend my day off reading and not dealing with people. 
They are not bad people. I'm just terrible at social stuff. I just feel more comfortable alone. I'm also peeved that Fluffy is going to hang out in Pittsburgh with Phil. I know logically I've no right to be pissed at her because she forwarded me the e-mail that he sent her about visiting and going to see Mission of Burma, and said that if this was a problem for me she understands and that  no hard feelings would be had if I told her I wouldn't be "ok" with it. I told it her it was fine and then asked if she knew if he was seeing anyone. Luckily she wouldn't tell me anything other than if I wanted to know shit like that I needed to bite the bullet and just ask him.  I'm just mad because other than a few short conversations about helping Fluffy find a place if she moves to Seattle I can't bring myself to talk him. I mean clipped e-mails and one 6 minute phone call don't really even count as conversation any way. 

Bare Walls

I promised myself that I would shop for something to hang up in the kitchen today. There was just this empty space that needed something to cover it. Yes, I do hate this fucking condo but I am stuck here and I might as well make it nice to look at. I didn't find anything and ended up just putting up a picture of me and Linda from back in when she visited Seattle a couple of years ago. 

I've been not so busy, work the same, Fluffy is I have no clue she is still planning Seattle but its not as cut and dry as it was she as usual is in a panic over something. She is keeping something from me. I know that much. I think I know what it is and I know why, she knows what I'll say. Nothing would ever stop us from being friends but she knows I wouldn't approve considering. She is dragging herself over the coals on this one because nothing is going to come of it if I am right. I sometimes wonder if maybe her and I are just meant to end up together? I never really thought about it, we are so close it seems weird to think of her in that way. Silly? Probably considering my last relationship was not only a mess but with another guy. Also she drives me insane sometimes.

My friends being "new" seem to insist on doing something for my birthday. They are not taking me seriously when I say that I don't acknowledge it. I still keep thinking of Soundgarden and Phil and I in Canada. Fuck it always goes back to him. 
Anyone have a time machine.

They Lied

Time does not heal everything. I'm still feeling like shit. Fluffy is I think not confronting her issues and just trying to go forward with out cleaning up the past. She was I think in the end somewhat looking forward to "baby" I noticed her voice wasn't so shaky when she would mention it when we would speak about it towards the end. Now she is just running on this non-stop leaving Pittsburgh. 
No, I get that, running away is always a good answer to any problem I left Seattle in less than a month of planning and it was going to solve everything. (Ha!) 
I'm back to thinking of getting a cat. I hate coming home to this empty place. I want something that is mine. Schnapps was mine. I knew she would be there waiting for me, we'd have dinner and well yeah she wasn't happily ever after but she was my version of it. 
Linda and Jeff have officially moved in together. It took them since 1973 to do it but they have finally done it. Phil is seeing some girl named Amanda, she hasn't met Sydney yet, but they have been a steady Thursday thing for the last 2 months. We've talked a couple of times since Fluffy is hell bent on moving and Seattle seems to be a good option for her. Why he told me I don't know. I don't tell him anything about me. I'm not thinking about it. It will be a year soon, since it all fell to pieces. 

Miserable Lie

This blog has been marked as containing adult content. Your current adult settings prevent you from seeing it. Please go to your account settings page and change your settings to allow adult content to view this blog

Open the shutters, there is no light...

Last time this year, I was in Pittsburgh, taking a vacation from my fucked up personal life. Thinking, yeah a break away from here and all the emotional shit that I just couldn't see my through. Uninterrupted fun with Fluffy, she never gives me the chance to slip into my moods. Thinking that I would have something to come back to. This year, I'm here in Colorado, alone. I begged Linda not to come visit and told her I wasn't going there. She is doing much better at just listening to me. So I will be alone for the holidays. I will be alone pretty much for all the holidays until I croak. I will be alone and I will be alright with that. I have to be. This is my life. 

When I was a kid, for a long time after I was attacked, I would disappear in my head. I could just drift off. I didn't daydream or anything like that. It was just being not there. I noticed I can do that again now. I just drift away when I can't deal with things. In my mind its quiet and not so stressful. Out here, well its like being kicked in the face. I've made some friends, but I don't let them get too close. I keep my routine and just pretend that I'm ok. Eventually I'll start believing I'm ok. 

I've been in love two times, the first time I didn't understand why she left. I did everything that I could make her happy, the second time I was in love and maybe he loved me but just not enough. The end result is that I always end up alone. I mean they have moved on with their lives, I've moved on with mine. I just can't get used to the fact that my moving on doesn't involve sharing my life with someone.

I'm not stupid and I know the odds of me having a normal life are pretty slim, I've always known that. Day one of therapy I was told that I had to be realistic with setting goals. Yeah therapy doesn't make you better, it just makes you have better days. I try to have better days. 

There isn't any way around it. I'm not depressed about the holiday, or any of it. I just hate thinking about it. I don't have it too bad, my family well at least Linda love me and I couldn't ask for a better best friend even if she sometimes is a flake. I just wish I had the whole thing. 

There is no if..

This blog has been marked as containing adult content. Your current adult settings prevent you from seeing it. Please go to your account settings page and change your settings to allow adult content to view this blog

Yes It Is All Hearts and Flowers Now...

This blog has been marked as containing adult content. Your current adult settings prevent you from seeing it. Please go to your account settings page and change your settings to allow adult content to view this blog

Lists

I'm back to making lists again. I find it easier to get through the day having a list of things to do and when I am doing them. My shrink says its compulsive, I think its keeping me organized and making it so I don't fall apart.  At the end of the day when I check the last thing off my list. I feel good. I know I'm o.k. if I can finish every thing on my list. I know it is grasping but it works. My shrink is still on me about going to this support group she runs, but I can't. I don't want to. The whole thought of that is too much. I'm o.k. with this, I just need to get into a routine that fits and I'll be fine. 


Wild World

This blog has been marked as containing adult content. Your current adult settings prevent you from seeing it. Please go to your account settings page and change your settings to allow adult content to view this blog

That One Moment

This blog has been marked as containing adult content. Your current adult settings prevent you from seeing it. Please go to your account settings page and change your settings to allow adult content to view this blog

From day to day...

This blog has been marked as containing adult content. Your current adult settings prevent you from seeing it. Please go to your account settings page and change your settings to allow adult content to view this blog

Still Ill

This blog has been marked as containing adult content. Your current adult settings prevent you from seeing it. Please go to your account settings page and change your settings to allow adult content to view this blog

Silence

This blog has been marked as containing adult content. Your current adult settings prevent you from seeing it. Please go to your account settings page and change your settings to allow adult content to view this blog

Disaster in 321..

This blog has been marked as containing adult content. Your current adult settings prevent you from seeing it. Please go to your account settings page and change your settings to allow adult content to view this blog

1-10 of 10 Blogs   

Previous Posts
Home Sweet Home.., posted December 4th, 2013
Enjoy The Silence, posted November 29th, 2013
Bad decisions continue, posted October 31st, 2013
The Moment I Opened My Mouth...., posted October 30th, 2013
Not tonight my love..., posted September 8th, 2013
Not tonight my love..., posted September 7th, 2013
Erase Me, posted September 1st, 2013
Bare Walls, posted May 27th, 2013
They Lied, posted March 11th, 2013
Miserable Lie, posted January 25th, 2013
Open the shutters, there is no light..., posted December 24th, 2012
There is no if.., posted November 9th, 2012
Yes It Is All Hearts and Flowers Now..., posted October 23rd, 2012
Lists, posted October 11th, 2012
Wild World, posted September 25th, 2012
That One Moment, posted September 22nd, 2012
From day to day..., posted September 16th, 2012
Still Ill, posted September 3rd, 2012
Silence, posted August 31st, 2012
Disaster in 321.., posted August 24th, 2012
****!, posted August 21st, 2012
Same Old, posted August 19th, 2012
Kill Me, posted August 19th, 2012
Mixing it up, posted August 18th, 2012
We're Only Making Plans for Nigel, posted August 15th, 2012
That Horrible Moment When.., posted August 14th, 2012
Selfish?, posted August 11th, 2012, 2 comments
Waste of Time, posted July 30th, 2012
I could, posted July 27th, 2012
Destroy Me This Way..., posted July 25th, 2012
The Incredibly Strange but True Story of a break up that isn't a break up.., posted July 16th, 2012, 2 comments
Sleep, posted May 19th, 2011
Dreams Don't Come True.., posted May 18th, 2011, 1 comment
Can You,, posted May 14th, 2011

Blogroll
Here are some friends' blogs...

Help
How to Embed Photos in your Blog Embed Photos How to Embed Videos in your Blog Embed Videos